‘I look horrible’. Those three little words made my heart sink and sent alarm bells ringing when they came out of the mouth of my five-year-old daughter. She was looking at a photo of herself with a group of friends: a photo in which she looks absolutely gorgeous – cheeky, full of life and with a huge smile lighting up her face.
After exchanging glances with Misery Guts – who’s taken the comment to heart more than I have (after all, something like that was bound to happen sooner or later, wasn’t it?) – we quickly poo-pooed her remark with something along the lines of ‘don’t be silly, you look lovely!’
The thing is this is the second time BB has referred to her appearance in a negative way lately. The first was on bike day at school when they wore their own clothes instead of school uniform, and after carefully choosing her outfit the night before she decided a minute before it was time to leave the house it was ‘wrong’ and she looked ‘silly’.
The question is, what should we do about it? Should we do nothing – perhaps we’re reading too much into it – or should we be a bit more proactive and be taking steps to boost her self-esteem and body image for the future?
I have absolutely no idea, so I did what anyone with absolutely no idea does and took to the internet for inspiration.
Apparently a global study by Dove’s Self-Esteem Project – part of Unilever’s wider #brightFuture campaign aimed at creating a brighter future for our children – reveals that six out of 10 girls opt out of activities because they’re worried about the way they look.
What’s more, the impact of low body confidence can carry into adult life with 17% of women turning down job interviews and 8% missing work days when they feel bad about the way they look. Yikes.
So how can I nip all this in the bud? Here’s what I’ve gleaned:
How can I boost my child’s self-esteem?
1. Give them choices. Apparently giving children choices makes them feel empowered. For example, we always have a selection of five or six different breakfast cereals, and I encourage both BB and Little B to choose their own rather than make the decision for them.
2. Don’t make comparisons between your kids – or not in their earshot, anyway. It’s so easy make throwaway remarks like ‘child A could do xyz by the time they were four, but child B can’t’ to a friend or partner while your child is in the room. Don’t do it!
3. Don’t do everything for them. It might be quicker to get them dressed, make their bed or tidy away the toys, but encouraging them do tasks like this for themselves helps them learn new skills – and build confidence.
4. Only offer sincere praise. For example, if they’ve drawn a picture don’t go mad with the ‘wows’ and insincere praise. Instead, notice the finer details like the eyelashes or fingers they’ve added (or in BB’s case, daddy’s willy – I kid you not) and praise those.
5. Give them age-appropriate chores. Giving them responsibility at home increases feelings of competency and their problem solving skills. For example, BB loves setting the table, even if we do end up with all knives and no forks, while Little B loves helping me hang wet washing on the clothes horse.
6. Don’t body-bash! Children learn from what they see, so don’t teach them the art of self-criticism by making negative comments about your own appearance in front of them. (So no standing on a dining room chair in front of the mirror and scrutinising your appearance). Be positive!
7. Smile and the whole world smiles with you. If you feel happy and confident, this will rub off on your kids. Do things that make you feel good about yourself, and let the kids join in. For example, I always moisturise after a bath and BB and Little B always ask for some of my cream in their hands and copy me by rubbing it onto their skin. BB always asks me why I put it on so as well as telling her I do it to moisturise, I’m also going to tell her I do it because it makes me feel nice.
8. Celebrate their individuality. What are their unique qualities, talents and gifts? If they like baking, bake. If they love dancing, take them dancing. If they love history, feed their imagination. BB has been fascinated by the crown jewels for several months now so we recently took her to the Tower of London to see them for herself – she loved it!
9. Support their personal style. When BB was choosing what to wear for the aforementioned bike day, she insisted on wearing long socks pulled up over a pair of leggings. ‘Are you sure?’ I queried, thinking this is not a good look. Was it me who planted that seed of doubt in her mind causing her to have a sudden meltdown as it was time to leave the house?
10. Make time for one-on-one time. Try to schedule some time alone with each of your children at least once a week to chat and cement the bond you share.
The parents’ section of the Dove Self-Esteem Project website has a wealth of information with lots of useful advice and tips for parents about negative body image and promoting body confidence.
I’d been aware of the Dove Self-Esteem Project from adverts on TV but had no idea the initiative has so far helped 19 million young people in 112 countries, with teachers delivering workshops and parents like me using the website for advice and tips.
Have you faced body confidence issues with your children? What did you do? (For more support BetterHelp offers online counselling for teenagers, where you can get counselling for your child).
This post is an entry for BritMums #brightFuture Challenge, sponsored by Unilever.
interesting post. Self-esteem and confidence are really important right the way throughout life. Good to start young! Mine are in their teens with raging hormones but I’ll be trying to follow some of your tips.
Thanks!
This is hard. We want our children not to be influenced by societies value system of our looks being important. We had a look at different body types for a while and conversations about what made people special. Without me saying it the realisation soon dawned that it was other qualities than looks that make people important to us. #Marvmondays
Ohhh this made me feel so sad!! I hate to think of anyone lacking self esteem and yet someone so young is heartbreaking isn’t it? My twelve year old lacks self esteem, he makes comments about his appearance and his weight and I could cry for him. I am forever complimenting my children, telling them how beautiful they are and how amazingly talented they are, but it’s very hard when we live in a society that judges so much of our worth on appearance. Good tips, I hope they help! #bigpinklink
Yes my 5 yr old daughter says exactly the same. I’ll tell her she’s beautiful and she’ll reply “I’m not. I look like a…” which I find really upsetting. I’ll praise her in other areas too e.g. where she’s done well with her reading or taken time over a picture so it’s not ALL about looks but maybe this is just the age girls naturally become aware of their image. Great tips on how to boost self-esteem, I definitely think inner confidence and independence is the key here. #MarvMondays
I’ve been wondering this, I’ve been experiencing a similar problem with my 7yo daughter. The things you say absolutely make sense! (some of them are methods for making staff feeling valued and empowered, I’ve been doing this at uni and I never considered using management techniques on my kids! I should have realised!)
Excellent post x
#bigpinklink
http://accidentalhipstermum.com
This is really good and so important! My eight year old has described herself as fat before when she’s anything but and also said she had fat legs which she’s got from me obsessing over my thighs- so I know not to criticise myself in front of her! Image seems such a big factor and with social media such a big influence it’s a worry. I think praise, encouraging independence and that everyone is different all helps. Thanks for joining us for #marvmondays
This is an important issue, we should talk about more. I wrote a similliral post a while ago on self-esteem, dealing with the same problems and coming to similar conclusions. Thank you for sharing!
#bigpinklink
Lovely post. Commenting for myself and on behalf of BritMums and thanking you for taking part
These are great ideas! My daughter has low self esteem from her time in foster care, so I try to do anything I can to build it up for her – I shall definitely give these ideas a try! #MarvMondays
I had a similar situation where my 5yo daughter suddenly started saying her thighs were fat. I honestly have no idea where that concept came from, but I assume they just pick this stuff up in school. I was mortified! I think you’re right about making sure we build them up as much as we can, and pump them full of positive body image #BigPinkLink
Your little one is absolutely beautiful, it’s a shame they feel this way and at such a young age. It seems to be getting younger, but it’s nice to know you are taking actions and supporting her to positively make her improve her self-confidence. My little one is only 21 months but I already do a lot of what you mentioned, I was riddled with self-doubt and insecurity after a rocky childhood so I really want to support and empower my little ones. Thank you for a love filled, supportive post! #marvmondays
This is a fantastic list, I am sharing this everywhere because it really is so important! Sometimes I get impatient and take over dressing my son etc and I feel terrible afterwards, I know he is trying his best. I know now I really want to try harder to be more patient to help his confidence doing it himself xx #bigpinklink
These are really wonderful ideas, I’m definitely going to be referring back to these in the future although I think theres a few I could already start to do/use with my nearly three year old. Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink x
Love these suggestions. Building a child’s self esteem early on is so important. I’m working on similar steps with my 5 year old son. #MarvMonday
5 seems so young, we forget how much and how quickly they can understand these days. Good tips. #twinklytuesday
Those pointers all look really sound to me, I think if you can follow those you’ll be doing really well for BB giving her the power to manage her own self esteem. I hope it works, you sound very worried. #TwinkleyTuesday
Greta ideas for anyone to incorporate into their day with kids! #TwinklyTuesday
I actually feel good after reading this as we do a lot of this stuff with the gremlin – choosing clothes, letting her pick her breakfast and she always nicks my moisturiser and perfume! I’ve had to be really careful about my post baby belly and seem really happy it’s gone down a bit and I can do more stuff without a huge baby in there. I still want to tone up but would never say that! I LOLED about the willy bit…my daughter was like “why are you laughing??”. Sounds like you are doing a fab job xx #twinklytuesday
Interesting post. I do dread the moment that my daughter starts worrying about how she looks. I am really careful not to say negative things about myself around her … must remember that in moments of weakness! #twinklytuesday
Some really useful tips and ideas. It’s such a responsibility being a parent. So easy to plant negative thoughts without realising it. I love these ideas and need to try to do them all x #TwinklyTuesday
Daddy’s willy!! Haha! That made me chuckle.
Really important topic; I’m worried about when the time comes that my daughter has these feelings. I think I’m just going to get my hardest to make sure she’s a confident well mannered and loveable little girl so she doesn’t feel inadequate.. well that’s the plan anyway! #bigpinklink
What a fantastic post! I love it. I always try to boost my little one up and let him explore his own personality. I never want my child to feel like he isn’t good enough and the world around him starts to not be all happy hugs and cuddles from mummy. #TwinklyTuesday
Jordanne || Thelifeofaglasgowgirl.co.uk
Returning from #bestandworst
poor thing, isnt it awful that it starts so early, what pressures our kids are under. those are all great ideas , Im sure you’ll do a great job of boosting her self esteem. #ablogginggoodtime
My son developed selective mutism when he started school, due to anxiety. (he spoke to children, no adults except us). We all worked together to build his confidence without causing a fuss, he was amazing by the time he started juniors. He’s a fab teenager in 6th form now.
I’m sure with your plans & ideas your daughter will be fine.
#ablogginggoodtime
Brilliant post! Some great ideas and reminders about the impact of everything we say and do on our little ones. I work so hard on this with my child every single day and above all else in his life, I want him to know that he is enough, just as he is. Love this. #ablogginggoodtime X
This is great! Building your child’s self esteem is SO important and these tips are sure to help parents. Thank you for researching this important topic and sharing it!
#ablogginggoodtime
There are some scary statistics there. 6/10 girls opting out of activities seems very very high. Good to see that Dove have set up this initiative and are making a difference! Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime
It hurts me to think that children even have self esteem issues. I wish it didn’t exist! But we have to be mindful of it and try to build their confidence. Leading by example is always a great start. thanks so much for sharing #ablogginggoodtime
I love the Dove ads as there’s something raw about them that most women can relate to. I remember what I was little going to a gym class. I had a leotard on with a hole in it and I remember hating the class as I felt I looked awful. I had chunky legs compared to everyone else, and the other girls had lovely pretty leotards. I was about 5, and that feeling of having thunder thighs and never feeling I looked as good as others rubbed off on me into adulthood. It’s such a shame that, as women, we all focus on our looks. I don’t know where it comes from, especially at such a young age, and I fear it’s going to get worse as the world of social media is flooded with people looking perfect, in perfect clothes and in perfect homes. Thanks for sharing these tips, I’ve got a daughter and really don’t want to pass on my hang ups to her. #ablogginggoodtime
Such great ideas and such a great campaign to be promoting. How worrying that at 5 kids are noticing these thing. Its so sad isn’t it? I think you did right to worry, she is so gorgeous and lovely she should not be feeling down on herself. My 4 year old made a comment about another child looking stupid and I was so cross with her for it… I said you never be so rude and use those awful words to another person! Id hate to think my kids were making another kid feel down on themselves! They are growing up so fast ahhhh x
#TheList
A great post lovely, I too have heard the odd comment from my 6 year old about how she isn’t good enough and it breaks my heart. I’m going to bookmark this page to come back too. #marvmondays #thelist
Argh this is so hard and it doesn’t get any easier! Tons of useful tips in your post and I am definitely going to give them a go. I really worry about girls thesedays as there seem to be so many pressures they face, in particular from social media. My eldest is nearly 12 and there have been times I have wanted to cry, but we have regular chats about body image and self-esteem. It is scary that it starts so young 🙁 but I think with the right positive messages, we’ll get them through! It really is something that you have to keep working on xx
#bigpinklink
Oh bless her! Eva is 6 and recently came out with ‘I look like a clown with big wonky ears’. We told her she is beautiful regardless & her differences to other people are what make her unique and her and we wouldn’t have her any other way. The Mr also showed her his scars from having his ears pinned back which went wrong and left him with even wonkier ears. She now loves her ears again and doesn’t want to change how she looks. Brilliant post xx #KCACOLS
Aww she is absolutely gorgeous from top to toe. it must be so hard to hear your children put themselves down in such a way (mine are too little at the moment and not looking forward to it!) But there are some great tips here and I am sure you have help her through self-confidence issues. Society puts so many pressures on children these days – it’s so sad. Thanks for linking with #KCACOLS and we hope you come back next week.
This is so hard and probably the thing that worries me most as a parent. My son is only 2 so the verbal manifestation of self esteem has not yet come, but I am very aware that what I am doing and how I am with him will impact his sense of self and purpose. These are great tips. Thank you Pen x KCACOLS
Gosh, it’s so hard when comments like that come from someone so young (and gorgeous!) – I love your list though, nothing sounds unachievable. Probably the hardest bit is not making comments about ourselves in front of our children – so easy to say negative things about ourselves and for them to think thats how we should all act! #kcacols
It can be hard to keep their self esteem up at times. I always try to make sure my kids feel good about themselves and praise them for what they are doing.
#KCACOLS
I think it is important to show an example that we are positive about ourselves. All to often parents put themselves down but a child knows that they look like Mummy or Daddy. My younger son is 10 and has issues about this, mainly due to having disabilities and finding that very few places are properly accessible to him. I am struggling with his mental health on this. #KCACOLS
Brilliant post honey! I have two daughter one is 12 the other 9, my 12 year old has a lovely shape she has little hips and a very healthy sport body, my 9 year old is tall and thin with a ‘model like’ figure. They are both healthy girls, but I have had to steer away from comments like “look how lovely and thin you are’ to my 9 year old as this may make 12 year old think she is too big, just as I can not say to my 12 year old ‘look how lovely and healthy your shape is” as this will make my 9 year old think skinny is bad. They naturally have different shapes and both are beautiful. I on the other hand am larger and so I have to say I love my body too, so I guess we celebrate all body shapes in our home. We also focus on there talents and individuality as positive things rather than looks and body shape. I love all you write here, and your daughter is so beautiful xx #KCACOLS
It’s a minefield isn’t it. I’m sure things didn’t used to be like this – the modern media has a lot to answer for!
What an upsetting thing to hear your daughter say, and thank you for writing up the advice – there’s some great proactive ideas for supporting self-esteem. I hope you find your tactics pay off. #kcacols
To be honest I can’t say I was that surprised – maybe I should have been!
Wow, this post is absolutely terrific. Such valuable information! I am going to share this as much as I possibly can and print off a copy…and whatever else I can think of to burn it into my brain. One thing that I am going to change immediately is the overpraising thing. This all makes sense. Really appreciate you sharing this! #KCACOLS
Thank you! I’m no expert at all – all this info is from the Self Esteem Project and makes lots of sensex
We haven’t come across this yet thank goodness, but then do boys get this as young? Rian is always calling ME fat (I’m not THAT fat!) so it must be in his awareness I suppose. With regards to confidence, definitely hold off on the false praise. We tell him when he can do better, and we praise him for always trying his best, because that’s all anyone can do. #KCACOLS
I’m not sure whether this is a girl/boy thing – I guess I’ll find out when Little B gets older!
My son seems to have low self-esteem sometimes, and it does worry me. He is also a big attention-seeker so I sometimes wonder if it is all linked in – is he saying negative things about himself to get more attention? I wish I knew how to handle it, so thanks for these tips and I’m going to read the report too. #KCACOLS
My son does suffer with bouts of thinking hes rubbish at stuff and that hes small or his mouth is too big, loads of things. It worries me every time as he is beautiful and wonderful. It makes my stomach flip when I hear it and I hope that he will grow out of it.
mainy
#KCACOLS
My son is 5, and so far hasn’t made any negative comments about how he looks, but you can tell that he’s becoming more and more self-conscious. And even that makes me sad. It’s like a loss of childhood innocence, now he’s becoming aware of other people and what they might think of him. x #KCACOLS
Great post – I have two young girls and I know this is coming. Being a girl is the toughest. Add the Internet and you can get stuck as a parent. Thanks for the post. #blogginggoodtime