It’s that time of year again, when parents up and down the land find themselves jostling for space in over-heated halls in a bid to see their little angel bang a triangle or fluff their lines.

After the projectile vomit debacle I’m pleased to report BB’s nativity play passed without incident this week, with the exception of a slight prop malfunction when the star fell off the stable. But you can’t have everything.

This is my second year as school play mum and I have to say it’s the parents I find far more entertaining than the kids. If you like people watching, a school play is the place to be.

At the risk of being lynched at the school gates, I’ve so far identified 10 types of school play parent. In no particular order…

10 types of school play parent

1. The early bird. The early bird always manages to bag a seat in the front row, next to those reserved for the head and other senior staff. Exactly how they do this is a mystery, yet they always manage to pull it off.

2. The watch checker. The watch checker always has somewhere else they need to be, and will often be heard joking with those sat closest to them about how long the show is likely to last. Except they’re not joking.

3. The juggler. A bit like the watch checker, the juggler can’t really afford the time to watch the show. They’re usually seen frantically tapping their mobile phone until the last possible moment, or heard issuing instructions into it in hushed tones. Instead of being switched off it will be on silent during the performance, vibrating constantly as its owner becomes increasingly stressed.

4. The super duper camera parent. Armed with the biggest camera you’ve ever seen topped with the biggest flash you’ve ever seen, super duper camera parent knows perfectly well a mobile phone will not suffice when it comes to snapping your little angel as they sit in the wings out of the glare of the spotlight. Once again, as you walk away with grainy shots shrouded in darkness, you vow to get a proper camera next year.

5. The life-through-a-lens parent. The life-through-a-lens parent is so caught up with taking pictures and capturing the whole thing on video they don’t actually watch the performance at all.

6. The waver. Not satisfied with waving at their little angel when they first enter the hall, the waver continues to enthusiastically and exaggeratedly wave at their little darling throughout the entire performance. They can see you. And so can everyone else.

7. The bobber. Like the waver, the bobber has ants in their pants and can’t resist bobbing up and down to take snaps or get a better view throughout the performance, much to the annoyance of everyone else.

8. The snacker. We all know these things can drag on a bit, and there’s nothing wrong with necking the contents of a NutriBullet, but is it really necessary to unwrap an entire picnic on your lap at 9.30am in the morning?

9. The singer. There’s always one. The singer already knows all the lines to all the songs, and insists on singing along with the kids. They think they’re doing it quietly, but they’re not. Position yourself as far away from this one as possible.

10. The over-emotional parent. Tears will always be shed, and not by the kids. I’m not just referring to mums here either – in my experience it’s the dads who are the biggest babies, swiping at their checks with the cuffs of their shirts while coughing.

Do any of these school play parents sound familiar to you? Are you guilty?!

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