‘You should be ashamed of yourself’.
That’s what a man told me when I was waiting at a bus stop with the kids on the school run recently.
Little B was asleep in the double buggy, Littlest B was gurgling happily in her seat underneath him and BB was skipping around them while we waited for the bus home. I had my phone in my hand, and it was this to which the man was referring.
I was so surprised that I asked him to repeat himself because I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly, but yep – I had. I should be ashamed of myself for being on my phone in front of the kids.
I was so shocked I was speechless. Speechless with indignation and fury. How dare he? How dare he judge me and my family?
To the man who told me I should be ashamed of myself
It may have looked like I was idly scrolling through Facebook or WhatsApping a friend (frankly even if I had been, so what?) but in fact I was replying to quite an important work email.
As a freelance journalist I work full time hours from home around the kids, which means instead of a ‘nine to five’ it’s more a case of ‘when I wake up until when I go to sleep’. Along with Misery Guts (who also works from home as a freelance journalist) we juggle the school run, nursery drop offs and pick ups, after school clubs, nappy changes, mealtimes and everything else that goes with raising a family with our deadlines.
As a result we both routinely work at least one day at the weekend – sometimes two – and often work into the evenings when the kids are asleep.
If I’m lucky I get an hour or two of wind-down time before bed, when the night shift starts with Littlest B and which, owing to the fact she’s breastfed and I have boobs and Misery Guts doesn’t, means I’m the officer in charge.
It’s only because of our situation that I’ve been able to exclusively breastfeed all three (I even gave up my dream job to breastfeed). The kids have all been to nursery but never on a full time basis, we don’t use an after-school childminder and neither of us has ever missed a school play or nursery performance.
We’re here when they wake up, we’re here when they go to sleep and we’re here to wipe noses and change bottoms. Even if we are looking at screens a lot of the time.
All of this means I make the most of every spare minute – like responding to emails at bus stops.
Did I say any of this to the man who thinks I should be ashamed of myself for using my phone in front of the kids? Of course I didn’t. He was gone in seconds, and like I say I was quite literally rendered speechless.
But if I had said something here’s what I should have said: you, sir, should be ashamed of yourself.
Is it significant that it was a man who told me I should be ashamed of myself – just like it was a man who refused to give me his seat on the bus when I was nine months pregnant and it was a man who parks in parent and child parking bays? I don’t know.
But what I do know is this: never judge a mum who’s scrolling through her phone in front of her kids. You don’t know what she’s doing on it, and the chances are she’s simply doing the best she can.
Do you use your mobile phone in front of your kids? Have you ever inadvertently judged a parent when you’ve seen them scrolling through their phone when on duty? I’d love you know your thoughts!
If you liked this you may also enjoy reading:
How I make working from home with kids work
10 reasons it’s ok to use TV as a babysitter
Surviving the school holidays without going batsh*t mental
Linking up with these fabulous blogs!
That’s awful! I often glance at my phone when I’m watching my daughter – and yes, sometimes it’s to check Facebook, but more often it’s to co-ordinate something practical with my husband or respond to a work email. You have no idea what someone’s situation is, so why judge? And even if they are checking Facebook – mums are allowed a few minutes to themselves now and then! #dreamteam
I’m on my phone right now. L is happily playing trains and we’re off out to a farm show for the day. A show that will be wonderful but draining. So yeah for now I’m reading blogs and being distracted and my kid does not care. I’ve been replying to work emails at the park and felt the judgement. The only time it was vocalised (is that a word?) I was what’s apping a friend whose dad had just died, the mum who told me I shouldn’t bother coming to the park if I wasn’t going to pay attention to my child got more than she bargained for. #TwinklyTuesday
The cheek – they always leave us speechless and by the time we get over the initial shock they have disappeared before we can even say something in defense. How dare he make a statement like that and judge you – he doesn’t know you from a bar of soap. Everyone’s situation is different and that does not make you a bad mother for being on your phone. I’m guilty of being on my phone in front of my kids – but also I reply to messages. I don’t do any social media check ins – that I do in my own time. I have never judged someone else for being on their phone and will never in the near future #Twinlytuesday
I love this. The answer should always be ‘You should be ashamed of your self!” #Dreamteam
I was about to get indignant on your part when I thought a bit more and realised I judge others too easily myself. Maybe that man had his reasons for saying what he did too (only joking, he sounds like an idiot) #DreamTeam
Wow what a horrid thing to say, there seems be be some idea that all us mums do now is look at our phones and never at our children and it drives me mad. then you feel like you should justify if you are on your phone xxx #dreamteam
We had a similar thing in the summer when a woman criticised us because my son was on his mobile. People should really keep their opinions to themselves as nobody knows the story behind the moment that they see. I was really cross but like you was rendered speechless at the time. Great response. #dreamteam
OH I just love unsolicited advice from strangers…rolling eyes! I would have thrown a shoe at him! #dreamteam
How awful! I’m often on my phone answering work emails, updating blog posts or god forbid checking what app (usually to arrange the kids play dates!) I don’t feel guilty as I’m doing the best job I can, like we all are. So screw that man, he probably goes home from work once his dutiful wife has already put his kids to bed for him (no doubt whilst simultaneously checking facebook!) #twinklytuesday
Yes, you are so right! How bloody dare he? People can be so rude and just say what’s on their head. #dreamteam
People can be so awful. I just can’t imagine speaking to a random stranger in that manner. The most annoying thing about these situations is that you always think of great come backs after the event #dreamteam
People suck sometimes. My daughter is old enough now that half the time she is at the playground I spend on my phone now, checking on her constantly but not watching like the hawk I used to be. I can’t imagine my response if somebody said something to me about it #dreamteam
Back from #TwinklyTuesday – #itsok
Enough with the mom shaming already!!! So we have a life outside of being moms!!!! Jesus the nerve of some people!!!
I am glad I found your blog from itsok linky!
I think anyone who voices criticism to a parent out with their kids, is seriously out of order. It’s a huge no no, whether they think what we’re doing is awful or not. I use my phone far too much in front of the kids, especially as they’re at the age where they’re about to get phones as my eldest will be starting senior school in September and I’ll have to follow my own rules, as I do not want her spending all her time on her phone. Since I started blogging though, it’s hard to keep up with social media if I don’t go on it a lot but I’m constantly feeling guilty about it. #itsok
It’s an outdated response to assume mums are bad for using their phones with the kids! Assume this person doesnt use his phone for work etc. If the kids are happy then what’s the problem?
OOOoooohhhh the little toad! How blooming dare he say that to you. People can be so judgey can’t they? I mean, what’s the bet that he gets home, and checks his phone. Puts his work stuff down, and checks his phone. Sits down at the dinner table… and checks his phone. And all probably in front of his own kids. People who dish out rubbish like that are usually the biggest culprits themselves 🙂 Thanks for joining us for the #DreamTeam xx
Cannot believe he actually said that out loud to you! The cheek! He has NO idea how tough it is to parent and work and be there for the kids 24/7 and run a house – he should try it for a day and see how he gets on…
It’s not that your kids were talking to you or crying out for you, and you gave your phone priority over their needs – mums in today’s world multi-task and our phone often is the means to that end. And even if we’re just scrolling through Facebook, so what, we need some downtime too. Mum-shaming is sick, why are we always being judged?! Thanks for linking up with #itsok
Fair call and a good rant well put! No one has the right to judge like that, quite unreasonable that you should question it. Working for yourself you need to juggle family and business as best you can all the time, both become full time jobs. #KCACOLS.
Ugh, some people are so judgmental. I mostly work from home too and, let’s face it, he’d probably be the same guy complaining about slow response times if it was his email, or suddenly changing his tune from how your place is at home with the kids to how they should be packed off out the way all day if you can’t juggle both to the proper standards… #KCACOLS
Some people are just down right rude, ignorant and nosey aren’t they. I’m often on my phone, mostly far more than I would like to be but most of the time it’s usully blog related. I don’t work and am a stay at home parent so it gets a bit boring and I use my phone as a huge source of entertainment. I can just imagine how frustrating it must have been to not find the words quick enough! Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time
Even if you were looking at Facebook what the hell would it have to do with him? Some people need to mind their own business! I’d have been so mad if that was me! #KCACOLS
Jeez! Some people just seriously need to keep their beak out! How dare he be so judgemental. I’m like you, I try my absolute hardest, I have to use my phone for blogging purposes and I only scroll through when George is content and safe and within my sights, like you. I will admit I have seen mums at soft plays whos kids are absolutely wreaking havoc and there are signs every saying you are responsible for your child when in fact all the mum is doing is being responsible for her phone. Then I’ll admit I silently judge, but none of us know what goes on in other people’s lives, how dare we judge them in that brief moment.
#KCACOLS
I’ve found so many people to be rude and judgemental to mums. I don’t know how you kept your cool, I would have wanted to say something to him.
What a complete tool! You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. I think the “older generation” don’t get phones really and think that they are just a way of ignoring everyone. Which they are, sometimes but not all the time! Makes me angry for you! I once wrote a similar post called “To the Elderly lady in the shopping centre” #KCACOLS
Oh this makes me so mad! How dare he judge you! It’s my experience that most of the time, mums are doing something “productive” on their phone – shopping, emails, organising play dates, checking their calendar, googling their kids ailments and milestones, checking the bus timetables, etc. And even when it’s just a social media break, we all need a break every now and then. I wonder if he would have been so quick to judge if you had been reading a novel instead of your phone? And yet it’s essentially the same thing – reading something instead of watching your kids 24/7.
Anyway, congratulations because someone loved this post so much, they added it to the BlogCrush linky! Feel free to collect your “I’ve been featured” blog badge 🙂 #blogcrush
What business of theirs is it what you do or don’t do? #BlogCrush
What is it that makes people think they have a right to comment. I’m mad on your behalf! It’s none of his business and requires no justification on your part. People can be complete piffle heads. I’ve no idea what a piffle head is but my 8 year old is saying it all the time. I just know that it’s not a good thing to be a piffle head. xxx #coolmumclub
I regularly scroll in front of our 8yo and it’s for work and pleasure. It’s often my ‘me-time’, my wind-down time and though I know I should rest my eyes, I don’t always. You’re quite right: never judge! Stupid, silly man. #kcacols
Oh there are definitely times when the phone gets far more attention than it probably should at our house, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it – like you, I am here for every cry, cuddle, episode of peppa pig and trip to soft play, and if I choose to claw in some me time in the form of mindless phone scrolling (and the kids will let me get away with it) then I damn well will. I’d like to come across someone to say that to me because they’d get more than they bargained for lol.
Thanks for sharing with #coolmumclub Nat
Being someone who also uses my phone for work, no I don’t judge those that use their phones. I think all mums are just doing their best and they always feel judged no matter what they do – why add to that?
#coolmumclub
Ugh this really grinds my gears. What is it about people that think they have a right to comment on others like this?? I don’t mean to be a negative nancy, but for all he knew you could’ve been getting an update about someone in hospital, or something might’ve happened to someone you know?? I’m sorry but in todays day and age it is NOT uncommon for a parent to have their mobile phone out at any point in the day with their kids. You did nothing wrong and that man needs to learn to keep his mouth shut. #coolmumclub
So what if you were looking at your phone for a few minutes. People need to stop being so judgmental about things that don’t really matter. These days most people “work” from their phones, it is nessesary.
#KCACOLS
OH WOW. What a cheek! Seriously, some people have nothing better to do!
I work from home too and have a phone in my hand most times. Mainly answering emails or doing some social work, but so what if we are scrolling through chatting to friends etc?!
Kids are happy and that’s all that mattres. I can not stand people who judge like that!
There’s always an idiot who has to sit in judgement over others. Best ignored. I’m not sure about it always being men though – it is sometimes, for sure, but in my experience (and my wife’s too) it seems that it is often women who are most judgemental or bitchy about each other. #KCACOLS
I would’ve ripped him a new one. Bastard. #kcacols