Forget Crummy Mummy. I think I might reinvent myself as Dr Mummy: Medicine Woman. I am feeling mightily pleased with myself following my first foray into self-doctoring.

It all started on Thursday when I woke up with an itchy eye. By mid-afternoon it was gummy and weeping, and everything had taken on a decidedly cloudy haze. There was no ignoring it and I realised I’d have to face the infuriating ritual of making an ‘emergency’ doctor’s appointment: phoning the surgery on the dot of 8.30am, pressing ring back, waiting while the phone endlessly rings at the other end only to be answered by the ‘health centre manager’ who then puts me through to reception, only to be asked to hold, etc, etc. After all, I could be blind if I waited until the next available slot in 10 days’ time.

Or did I really need to see a GP? I read somewhere that the cure for a baby with an eye infection is a few drops of breast milk. Well, I’ve got plenty of that so decided it was worth a go. After expressing into a glass I charged Misery Guts with the task of pouring it into my eye – bet he never thought of that when he vowed to love and honour me in sickness and in health.

Apart from being the most refreshing eye drop ever administered, I woke up the next morning and all traces of itchiness/gumminess/cloudiness had vanished. Just like that. Magic. I thought it best to give it the weekend contact lenseless and make-upless before crowing about it, just to make sure it really has cleared up, but here we are on Monday morning as good as new (pictured).

So for anyone out there with an eye infection, I’ve got some ‘special’ drops. Lashings of the stuff.