We had some sad news this week. BB and Little B’s great grandad – Misery Guts’s grandad – died. He was in his 90s and had been unwell for a while so his death wasn’t entirely unexpected, but it’s still a shock when it actually happens.
The question now is whether we take BB to his funeral. Little B will be coming, but at 16 months old he’ll be too young to remember.
Misery Guts thinks we shouldn’t, because he’d rather protect BB, who’s four, from ‘that sort of thing’ for as long as possible, but I disagree.
I think not involving her in the funeral is potentially more confusing than taking her because it doesn’t help to explain what happens when someone dies, and poses more questions than it answers (like the day she asked me what a graveyard was). If she doesn’t come it will seem to her that one minute someone is there, and the next minute they aren’t.
Whereas if she comes and sees the coffin and sees everyone mourning and saying a prayer, I think it will help her understand what has happened, and better prepare her for life ahead.
But Misery Guts – who’s the type of person to bury his head in the sand rather than face up to things – doesn’t want to expose her to a coffin, or the emotions of a funeral service, because he remembers being horrified the first time he went to a funeral, aged 10.
But I think the longer you put it off, the worse it’s going to be.
What do you think? Should you take a child to a funeral?
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My eldest grew up watching her Nan put needles in her for her to have dialysis at home. She used to sit quite happily playing Lego whilst blood was being pumped out and back in my Nan. I took her to visit her in hospital whenever she was admitted. But when she died I didn’t take her to the hospital. She was 4 at the time too. Funerals are very very sad places and not appropriate for a young child in my opinion. Children can struggle with emotions and it can be very confusing to see people they love SO upset. When my Nan died I had only ever been to her funeral in my life and I was 20!
I went to my first funeral when I was 7 and I think it helped me to understand what was happening. I’m still really in two minds over the whole thing – thanks for your input!
I think its fine if its a funeral for an elderly relative; they are in the ‘normal’ order of things and families can get together and celebrate the person’s life. I’d use discretion if it was someone who had died an unexpected or untimely death, as that could be a different kind of event, much more ‘tragic’, if you see what I mean?
Yes that’s true, I guess it does depend on the circumstances too, and this will be a celebration of his life…
And perhaps just the memorial service rather than the bit with the committal, if possible.
Yes that’s a good idea – I hadn’t thought of thatx
I agree with you that it’s better for children to be involved and go to the funeral; so long as you prepare them for it. You can explain what will will happen and why we have funerals. More importantly explain that people will/may be upset and show their emotions/grief by crying. Children need to know that it is ok to feel sad, ok to show their emotions and ok to say they miss someone. If they can’t see adults expressing emotions in a healthy way, then they won’t know how to do it themselves, or even feel ‘wrong’ for feeling emotions that apparently grown-ups don’t feel. Death is part of life, and although it’s a sad part of life, it’s life all the same. Children are surprisingly more accepting of these tough issues than some adults, so long as it has been explained to them in a way appropriate to their understanding. I think that more damage can be done when not allowing children to be involved. We have very recent experience of dealing with death in our family, and to not include our 3 year old daughter in her Grandad’s funeral would have been unthinkable. She understood what was happening, saw her Mummy cry, understood why and it has allowed her to express her grief and working out her emotions days/weeks/months after the funeral. Now she can express that she misses her Grandad but has peace about where he is and we can enjoy talking about the happy memories we have of him together.
Time will tell if this was the right decision but my conviction is that it was.
Thank you for sharing your experience – I agree with you that’s it’s part of life, but at the same time I’m wondering if she should protect her from it as long as we can. It sounds like you made the right decision x
This is a really good question, my son is 4 and I would very seriously consider taking him. Like you have said, he has lots of questions about death at the moment, especially as our cat passed away before Christmas. I think if you explain it properly and take your daughter out if it comes too much. I think that is what I would be tempted too, although I would worry about them getting very upset. Not an easy decision #picknmx
I’m still undecided but it’s so good to hear everyone’s opinions x
To be honest this is a tough one. But I think I would be leaning towards trying to keep my little one from funeral for as long as possible. I just think that it’s not a place for little ones, but this is my opinion! I was 12 years old when I attended my first funeral, my parents were a little reluctant then. But I asked to attend. Another way you could look at it – is to ask them what they would like to do unless they are too young to comprehend what is happening! I do also think that it’s important to say goodbye to loved ones so I would probably think about a memorial service too. This is such a difficult one to decide! My husband thinks differently about funerals and thinks that they should attend to say their goodbyes! #picnmix
Asking her what she would like to do is a good idea and one I’ve been thinking about. And we could always take her out if it gets too much x
Personally I would consider taking BB but not Little B. The funeral is about the bereaved, and a baby, however well behaved, is a distraction. I don’t think there’s any particular need to take BB, unless she was very close to her great-grandfather and is seriously upset by his death. There is plenty of time to explain death to both of them, I don’t think you need to start the process yet.
The only problem is Little B is still breast fed and we’re staying overnight so he has to come with us…however I think we will see if we can ‘leave’ him somewhere during the service (and I don’t mean the car!)
So sorry to hear about the death in the family – I hope that you are all doing ok. I think it is ok to take a child to a funeral as long as they are prepared for it, and to understand why it is they are going. They need to be prepared to see people grieving and crying, and for you to be prepared to answer any questions they have. Having a child at the funeral may also help to the lift the mood too. I hope that helps. Claire x #PickNMix
I’ve tried to talk to BB about the funeral and what will happen but she doesn’t understand, so I’m thinking it could be quite a shock for her to see everyone else grieving. On the other hand, like you say her presence may help lift the mood…
Sorry to hear about Misery Guts’s granddad. Hope you’re all doing okay.
I think it depends on the child and what kind of funeral it’ll be. I would talk to her about it and see what she wants to do, but in someways, going to the funeral is part of the process of saying goodbye. It might be easier for her to do that if she’s there. Hope this helps.
Thank you – yes I’m inclined to agree with you, although I do also see it from the point of view of protecting her from this sort of thing for as long as possible. It’s a dilemma…
Sorry to hear your sad news lovely x In all honesty I think it depends on the child in question, some will be okay with it and some will get upset because everyone else is and struggle with the atmosphere. Only you know your child well enough to make the decision, but I can understand what you mean about giving her the chance to say a proper goodbye as well.
Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix
Stevie x
Thank you x I think you’re right and it depends on the child and the type or atmosphere there’s likely to be…