Don’t panic, this isn’t one of those posts featuring horror stories about childbirth.

Instead it’s a collection of random things I’ve noticed in the aftermath of the three times I’ve given birth, most recently following the arrival of our Valentine’s Day baby.

Funny things they don't tell you about childbirth

That said though, while I usually try and write for mums and dads, the male of the species may want to look away now as some of what you’re about to read is bordering on the side of too much information, if you know what I mean.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Funny things they don’t tell you about childbirth

1. Delivering the placenta is like giving birth to another baby. And the feeling afterwards, when everything is out, is amazing.

2. The best cup of tea you will ever drink and the best toast you will ever eat is the tea and toast they bring you after childbirth. Bliss!

3. Ditto the first bath. You may feel like you’ve been in a car crash with stitches in places you’d rather not think about but that first bath, when you’re back at home and clean and dry is almost as good as the tea and toast.

4. You learn the intricate details of the labours and births of complete strangers. From the woman who used the gas and air mask to bite on to the woman whose nipples ‘just won’t do it’ – if you’re recovering on a ward there’s nothing those curtains can hide.

5. The best way to dry your bits afterwards is with a hair dryer. Why does no-one tell you this? Admittedly you look like a moron, but it’s far preferable than trying to pat things dry with a towel, and you won’t ruin the towel.

6. Sanitary towels are engineered to within an inch of their life. I only ever use them after having a baby when you can’t use anything else, and each time I find the latest choice over whelming. There are flaps, channels, hearts to show you where the front is – what’s next?

7. At last you can shave your legs without spending more time thinking about how to do it than actually doing it.

8. The NHS is amazing. Even if we did have to be diverted to a hospital 40 minutes away.

9. NHS food is not amazing. With the exception of the aforementioned tea and toast, of course.

10. It’s apparently perfectly acceptable to take a bottle of champagne into the post natal ward. And drink it. Had I known this my post about the only 10 things you need in your hospital bag would have become the only 11 things you need in your hospital bag.

Are there any random things you’ve noticed in the hours, days and weeks after giving birth? I’d love to hear what they are!

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Diary of an imperfect mum