Don’t panic, this isn’tΒ one of thoseΒ postsΒ featuring horror stories about childbirth.
Instead it’s a collection of random things I’ve noticed in the aftermath of the three times I’ve given birth, most recently following the arrival of our Valentine’s Day baby.
That said though, while I usually try and write for mums and dads, the male of the species may want to look away now as some ofΒ what you’re about to readΒ is bordering on the side of too much information, if you know what I mean.
Don’t say I didnβt warn you.
Funny things they don’t tell you about childbirth
1. Delivering the placenta is like giving birth to another baby. And the feeling afterwards, when everything is out, is amazing.
2. The best cup of tea you will ever drink and the best toast you will ever eat is the tea and toast they bring you after childbirth. Bliss!
3. Ditto the first bath. You may feel like you’ve been in a car crash with stitches in places you’d rather not think about but that first bath, when youβre back at home andΒ clean andΒ dry is almost as good as the tea and toast.
4. You learn the intricate details of the labours and births ofΒ complete strangers. From the woman who used the gasΒ and air mask to bite on to the woman whose nipples ‘just won’t do it’ – if you’re recovering on a ward there’s nothing those curtains can hide.
5. The best way to dry your bits afterwards is with a hair dryer. Why does no-one tell you this? Admittedly you look like a moron, but itβs far preferable than trying to pat things dry with a towel, and you won’t ruin the towel.
6. Sanitary towels are engineered to within an inch of their life. I only ever use them after having a baby when you can’t use anything else, and each time I find the latest choice over whelming. There are flaps, channels, hearts to show you where the front is – what’s next?
7. At last you canΒ shave yourΒ legs without spending more time thinking about how to do it than actually doing it.
8. The NHS is amazing. Even if we did have to be diverted to a hospital 40 minutes away.
9. NHS food is not amazing. With the exception of the aforementioned tea and toast, of course.
10. It’s apparently perfectly acceptable to take a bottle ofΒ champagne into the post natal ward. And drink it.Β Had I known this my post about the only 10 things you need in your hospital bag would have becomeΒ the only 11 things you need in your hospital bag.
Are there any random things you’ve noticed in the hours, days and weeks after giving birth? I’d love to hear what they are!
Linking up with…
The first time you stand up afterwards … it was like the scene of your worst horror story where a serial killer has hacked everyone up! The blood is everywhere! No one warned me about that.
#bestandworst
Even though I gave birth in water the same was true for me going from the pool to the bed afterwards – I felt so sorry for the midwife cleaning it up!!
For me the first shower after labour was the best thing ever. #familyfun
I’ve always found the first shower a bit of an ordeal on wobbly legs with stitches – I’m a bath sort of girl!
Ha this is spot on, although I can only relate to a few of them cus I had a c section. However, the tea and toast is just divine. I think I ate 6 pieces in quick succession. NHS food is the worst, I lost half a stone in 3 days cus I didn’t eat anything! #bestandworst
I had Misery Guts bring me food in it was so awful – however the tea & toast made up for it!
The NHS is amazing and the staff are incredible. I have a wheat allergy so no toast for me or so I thought. One of the midwives had some gluten free bread for her lunches and gave me a slice. #bestandworst
Wow that’s what I call a first class service!
They always make me that that horrible injection to make the placenta come out faster, because I lose a lot of blood. I say always, twice. So, I’ve never really even noticed the placenta birth…they just seem to sort of…pull it!
Hair dryer so never occurred to me! it’s obvious now you’ve said it!
I’ve never been brought toast either I don’t think, but, our food is actually really good!
#familyfun
No toast? I’m outraged!! Lucky you not to notice the placenta birth!
I laughed at every one of these. All so true and funny looking back at it. At the time, not so funny. Great post x
The phrase ‘I can laugh about it now but at the time it was terrible’ springs to mind!
I didn’t get given any tea or toast!!! I haven’t quite recovered from this travesty! I think that there were a couple of emergencies on the labour ward that night because all the staff disappeared, I was wrapped up in enjoying the baby, I got transferred to the postnatal ward, then before I knew it, it was 1am, husband had gone home and I didn’t feel like I could leave the baby to find tea and toast or ring the buzzer to ask! Next time I will not be so polite. #bestandworst
Poor you – you definitely missed out! Next time make sure you ask for seconds!
Firstly, I love your Valentine’s baby! How gorgeous?! Also, how do you even have a minute to post, you should be resting! Secondly, this post is so true! I am so broody now, I need another baby ASAP (but fist I need a wedding and to lose 5st) so probably next year.
#FamilyFun
I already have two at home – now three – so life just goes on. Thereβs no time to stop!!
Hahaha that’s brilliant about the champers I would of absolutely packed some too! Oh gosh birth and after birth really is an experience like no other isn’t it? Gosh that first wee after now that is an experience, oh and sitting down – GRIM! Thanks for joining us at #familyfun
I didn’t think of the first wee – probably should have mentioned the number two too!!
I’ve used a hair dryer to dry/warm…The Area…and that’s about all I can relate too…
It’s a great trick!
I can’t really remember even noticing delivering the placenta, I think I was too much in shock and in awe of my little boy. Ooh I actually hadn’t thought of the hair dryer!! Such a good idea. Oh the blood, I was seriously not prepared for the sheer amount… I remember pulling the cord when I first went to the loo alone in the hospital because it went absolutely everywhere and was like a horror film scene, I didn’t know where to start with cleaning it up!! Haha I love that someone had champagne. #FamilyFun
The blood seems to feature a lot in these comments – I should have added that to the list!
Can you really take in champagne! Wish I’d know that! You are right about that eta and toast too. #FamilyFun
People in my neck of the woods certainly take in the fizz – no-one batted an eyelid!
Oh god yes delivering the placenta is just weird, both times mine was kind of stuck so they had to yank it gently out, was like they were pulling on my intestines. Fun! Thanks for linking up #bestandworst
Yuck yuck yuck!!
In the few spare minutes I found in those early days, I developed a weird obsession with looking at my large but now empty stomach. It looked so weird. You never really think (well at least the first time) that it will shrink back but you don’t expect it to feel like an empty sack! #FamilyFun
Yes that’s true – it’s my belly button that freaks me out the most!!
Totally agree with how tasty hospital toast is lol. I did not know that about the champagne – if I have any more I’ll be sure to pack a bottle!
#familyfun
I didn’t know about the champers either – wish I had!!
I would say the amount of blood you can lose without passing out or dying is pretty incredible (and gross). I had 2 water births and both times it has looked like a shark attack! I actually felt too sick for my post baby toast..was gutted! Childbirth is not the most glamorous of things is it?!!xx #coolmumclub
I’ve had two water births too and I know what you mean!!
I didn’t get any toast either! The food was horrible. I had my husband go out and bring me takeout. #coolmumclub
Everyone who didn’t get toast is missing out – poor you!!
WHAT!?! I could have used a hairdryer – why are you telling me this now!? I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. I’ll keep that one tucked away for if I’m ever ready to brave a ‘next time’! Loving the list #coolmumclub
The hair dryer is an absolute god send!!
Haha..Yes, all of the above is so true. I think I felt more relief when placenta came out then when baby did;). And I didin’t know about champagne! Certainly a must have in your hospital bag! Congratulations on your Valentine’s baby!!!!;) #coolmumclub
Yes I felt like that with the placenta too!!
So true all of this – I actually just had a bit of an inner shudder thinking about that palcenta delivery! Thanks so much for linking this up to #coolmumclub lovely and congrats xoxo
Oops – didn’t mean to make you shudder!
With my first I’d had a spinal block so didn’t know what was coming out down there, babies, placenta, cuddly toy… My second actually departed me so quickly I was too stunned to notice what else was falling out of my foofoo!
#coolmumclub
Haha I love this! Number 2 is SO true! I’m such a weirdo in that I LOVE hospital food, I’m so lazy I just love ticking my menu and having it wheeled in three times a day! #bestandworst
The toast – omg yes!!! I hadn’t eaten white bread in months due to getting gestational diabetes and that first bite of white toast was just amazing, I could have eaten about 15 slices!! #coolmumsclub
My hairdryer Defo got more exposure -ahem – than it would ever have anticipated haha! It should without a doubt be in the NHS advised aftercare. #coopmumclub
The day I found out about the hairdryer was just the best day. I cried the first time I used it!
Popping back to say Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime
That bit about the placenta is so true #coolmumclub
So true about the toast! Oh the toast.
Best thing ever.
Hahaha I so love this post. Agree with all the points. Especially the toast and tea! And the hair dryer idea is brilliant
#coolmumclub
Oh my goodness, the placenta – the second time round that sucker HURT. I felt like I was having twins! Haha!
Post-birth tea and toast is the best thing ever!
I had no idea how high I would get on gas and air. Even the second time, it surprised me. I was high as a kite at one point! #ablogginggoodtime
Hairdryer and champagne. 2 new things I learnt today! #ablogginggoodtime
So true! I do remember that first cuppa… Bliss. I also remember them asking me if my milk had come up yet and replying in a slightly confused manner that I thought it had, only to get up in the night two days later and almost falling out of bed pulled by the weight of these two massive, Pamela Anderson-like breasts and realising that that’s what they were talking about π #ablogginggoodtime
How how funny #coolmumclub
I did not get the memo on the hair dryer tip darn it!! THose first few baths at hone were great! Champers on the ward, not there is one that I must remember next time!! Thanks for linking to #familyfun
Aha the hair dryer thing cracked me up.. I clearly remember drying myself many times with a hair dryer lol
The tea and toast! Omg that was so good. Honestly the thought of it was what convinced me to stay in the birthing centre! I also remember when they brought me my first proper meal – this tuna pasta bake that with hindsight was so gross but I ate it like a wild possessed beast. My husband was watching me in shock π YUM!