I ask after a couple hit the headlines for deciding not to reveal their babyβs gender to family and friends in a bid to avoid βunconscious gender biasβ for as a long as possible.
Hobbit Humphrey and Jake England-Johns made national news after revealing they address their 17-month-old baby with the pronoun βtheyβ and dress them in both girlsβ and boysβ clothes so they can βgrow into their own personβ.
The story has sparked all manner of parenting debates and β perhaps unsurprisingly – the couple have come under fire for their controversial approach.
The thing is I get it. As a mum of two girls and one boy, with another (gender unknown) baby on the way, I know unconscious gender bias is alive and kicking.
It drives me potty when members of a certain generation say things like βyouβll have to marry a rich manβ in response to my oldest daughterβs hopes and dreams, as though a man is the means by which she should expect to achieve her goals.
And it makes me equally mad when the toy section of shops and catalogues are filled with pink and purple kitchens and irons for girls, and green and blue bricks and cars for boys.
But Iβd also argue that a child is able to βgrow into their own personβ without concealing their gender from the rest of the world, which surely in the long run has the potential to do more harm than good. So, I asked some fellow parenting bloggers what they think, and their opinions make for an interesting read!
Has gender neutral parenting gone a step too far?
βErghhh – βkeeping secretsβ just makes people naturally more curious,β says Lisa at The Family Ticket. βIf they wanted to keep it a secret then they wouldn’t have gone to the press about it. Utterly ridiculous. I’m all for keeping yourselves to yourselves and making your own choices. This I feel is just attention seeking. You don’t have to hide a gender to be who you want to be. Something the child will decide for themselves hopefully. To me it feels this is more about the parents than the child.β
βI’m all for kids (people in general, really) being who they want to be and being given the freedom to do that, but I kinda feel like this would draw unnecessary attention to the children (especially when they end up in the media) which might actually make it harder for them to be who they want to be,β says Rebecca at Becca Blogs It Out.
βThey need to know who they are to discover themselves,β says Jade at Jadeβs Journey. βIf in the future their son wants to be a girl then let that happen but this child will be bullied and made to feel different which is completely unnecessary. I think this whole gender issue with no genders or being both genders is just turning into some kind of media attention seeking game.β
βI think it’s a really interesting idea,β says Kirsty at World for a Girl. βThe BBC aired a show the other year that clearly showed how differently adults treat babies depending on whether the babies were dressed in pink or blue. The adults used different language, tones and selected different toys just based on the colour of the baby’s clothes. However, keeping your little one’s gender a secret must be incredibly hard. I bet grandparents in particular will feel very excluded. Also, you’d have to choose a name that was unisex. In addition, I guess it’s unrealistic (and possibly illegal) to keep a child’s biological gender from medical staff and officials. It seems like a good idea but the practicalities would be very trying.β
βI think it’s ridiculous,β says Emma at Bubbablue and Me. βThey can be told they’re a boy or girl and they can still dress them neutrally and let them play with all toys. It’ll likely confuse the child more and cause a lot of confusion when starting nursery with other children who know who they are. They’ll have to explain body parts and unless they never take the child swimming or never stand naked in front of him or her, they’ll confuse the child when he or she asks what the differences are and why he or she isn’t one or the other. As long as people give them the open option and support if they decide later one way or the other I think the gender unknown aspect is unnecessary.β
βWhat does it protect the child from?β asks Amy at Crazy Carneys. βDoesnβt this just cause more confusion and bullying? What happens in changing rooms when someone else is changing of a different gender? For me personally itβs a massive no no!β
βIf the child grows up and decides themselves they want to use gender neutral pronouns then I’d fully support that,β says Charlotte at Mama Makes Do. βHowever, as a female engineer who knows from experience the negatives of gender bias, the solution isn’t as simple as keeping it a secret, it’s something to be challenged head on by everyone.β
And as Sarah at Champagne and Petals points out: βIβm not sure I would always remember to use the βtheyβ and βthemβ pronouns if it was me.β
What do you think? Has gender neutral parenting gone a step too far? Iβd love to hear your thoughts!
Interesting arguments. The pronouns they/them we will all get used to. I can see all sorts of obstacles as they get older. The clothes sections and toy shelves, used to make me despair when my children were younger, but I’m not sure I’d go as far as to hide their gender. As for the media coverage, maybe it is to show others that this approach is possible. #mmbc
I used to be a registered child minder and I noticed that the children who didn’t have siblings of different gender to themselves would go for the toys of this gender, presumably because they were new to them#kacols@_karendennis
Ugh! Stunts like this really annoy me. I am all for kids being whatever they choose to be but making unnecessary drama is not needed. It looks like a publicity stunt to make a bit of money to me. x #MMBC
I really don’t know how that works in real life scenarios. I am 100% for gender neutral bathrooms and I do think we need to stop the gendered comments (like your marry a rich man example) but I really can’t see the point of going that far. However, I’m old and I can see the world is progressing, so I might be missing the point. I sometimes catch myself saying or thinking the most terribly sexist things and it’s all that stuff drummed into us as kids, so I guess maybe it would stop that. I guess we need 20 years to see the result
To clarify, I do intellectually autocorrect, but I HATE that it’s my default. (the ‘she’s too fat to wear that’ etc) #TwinklyTuesday
I’ve asked this question myself and still haven’t come up with a good enough answer. I don’t think we should be paying attention to outdated gender stereotypes anymore but, at the same time, I don’t see how keeping this a secret will actually help. Is it not OK to say ‘you were born with a vagina so you’re female’ but go on to support them in whatever they choose to wear or do?
#DreamTeam
I think that its a step too far and seems to be missing the point. The idea is to raise our kids to not let their gender define who they are but that doesn’t mean that they need to pretend they don’t have one #KCACOLS
I really don’t think this is fair on the child, and if anything, it will make life harder for them as they grow up and start school. There may well be unconscious gender bias, but as parents we also have some influence over our children and it’s our job to show them all the opportunities that are open to them, regardless of gender. #dreamteam
I just don’t get the logic. Surely they will be confused even more by this? #KCACOLS
I find this type of thing agitating! I too don’t want my girls to be judged or have limits placed on them because they are girls, but I think this is going a step too far… Thanks for being with us on the #DreamTeam
It’s a really tricky one and I can see they are trying to do the best for their child. I think children can enjoy a gender neutral childhood knowing what their biological gender is though. #KCACOLS