I’ve got a secret. I’ve written off my 30s.
I’m 36 – more than halfway through the decade – and I’ve completely written off the next four years.
It might not be a very PC thing to say, but when it comes to my career that’s what I’ve done. Because I don’t think it’s possible to ‘have it all’ and be a mum, so I’m not even going to try.
Why I’ve written off my 30s
I’ve read a lot of blog posts lately by mums whose maternity leave is at an end, posts in which they weigh up the pros and cons of returning to work in a quest to be more than ‘just’ a mum and have a little bit of something for themselves, away from the poo and the puke and the constant wiping.
But at the same time their mum-guilt and anxiety leaps out at me from the screen, and inside I’m screaming ‘give yourself a break!’
I’m always mightily suspicious of so-called ‘supermums’ who appear to have it all. Like mum-of-five Nicola Horlick, dubbed the ‘city supermum’, and mum-of-two Karren Brady who famously answered emails 24 hours after emergency brain surgery. Quite simply, I don’t believe them.
I don’t believe they haven’t had an attack of mum-guilt when they totally forgot one of their children, or when they realised they were the only parent who forgot to send their child into school with 50p for the Fairtrade tuck shop (my latest mum fail). Or perhaps it is just me.
On paper my career since I’ve become a mum doesn’t actually look that bad.
As a journalist parenting has opened up a whole new revenue stream – my work is regularly published in national magazines and newspapers, I’ve appeared on daytime TV and national radio and I’m earning an income from blogging, which you could argue wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t a mother.
All of this has been achieved sitting at the dining room table surrounded by mountains of dirty washing and soggy cornflakes between nursery drop-off and school pick-up, often with a baby attached to a boob. Which is no mean feat, I can tell you.
But at the same time my career has also been curbed. I gave up my dream job on a national newspaper because I wanted to exclusively breastfeed and couldn’t hack the stress of sitting on a closed toilet seat pumping milk, and I’ve been forced to turn down jobs in newsrooms and on features desks of publications I love because I can’t commit to anything that involves leaving home before 8am not being back by 3pm.
And I’m fine with that because I don’t want to have it all.
The way I look at it my 20s was all about establishing a career, my 30s are about establishing a family while earning enough money to get by (and it’s pretty hand-to-mouth at times) and with a bit of luck my 40s can be about the career again.
It occurred to me that by the time I reach the big ‘4-0’ I will have spent:
- Two and half years pregnant (if the maths sounds odd I’m including the two babies we lost in that)
- Six years breastfeeding (assuming I feed Littlest B for the same amount of time I fed BB and Little B)
- Ten years sleep deprived (essentially my entire career as a parent)
- More money than I care to admit on white wine
It’s been challenging, frustrating, exhausting, exhilarating, satisfying and rewarding. And you could say it’s the most important job in the world. Which is why I’ve written off my 30s.
Do you think it’s possible to have it all? Do you have a career and did you put it on hold to have a family? I’d love to know what you think!
Linking up with…
I get this as I feel I’m not as motivated for my career since having my girls and I’m ok with that! I hopefully have time after and there’s no rush! I want to be a mum first. Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst xx
I’m the opposite..I have written off my 20s career wise and have instead used this time in my life to start my family. By the time I’m 30 I will have a 4 year old and 7 year old and hopefully I won’t have left it too late to start a career. I definitely agree with you that not wanting it all is OK xx #bestandworst
When my son was 1, I became a single mum. I tried to do it all for a while. And failed miserably. So, I gave up a good job and went to work part time in a shop for a few years, essentially writing off my career. But, now, I don’t want the old career back, so I’m not quite sure what I plan to do when they’re older. I’m freelance writing now, to earn a bit of money, but I’m not convinced I’m good enough to make a proper career…we will see. #familyfun
I’ve definitely written off my 30s on the career front. To be honest though, I never had any desire to try and have it all. I knew when I got pregnant, that I wanted to put my career on hold and be a stay at home mum. As it turns out, I’m no longer sure whether the career I left is one I’ll go back to – it’s certainly not on the cards in the foreseeable future. I’m okay with that though – since becoming a mum, my skills have changed, and I’ve learned new things that are still useful in the workplace and who knows what doors they might open in the future. #familyfun
I am motivated by my career, but the motivation has changed. I want to do well so my family can have a good life. It’s a hard one, I honestly don’t think anyone can have it all. And often, the ones like Horlick who are held up as examples, have alot of help behind the scenes. It might be more helpful if that was acknowledged more as it would give people more realistic expectations about what’s possible and what isn’t.
I wrote off a few years when little monkey was little but he is 3 this year, and I am just about to start another new job that will be an incredible challenge and push me up another level in my career. So I gave up my mid 20’s I would say, but being 27 now, I am back and trying to juggle motherhood with a full time job with good career prospects. I suppose everything is a juggle and is what works best for each family unit and individual mother. #bestandworst
I love this and I completely agree. I am doing what I can to get by and that is all I can do. As my children are getting bigger I keep considering going back to work full time and then have panic attacks. So I will just accept that that is the way it has to be for now! #FamilyFun
I really don’t think it’s possible to have it all, and the idea that we should be able to causes a lot of stress for mothers. I currently work 4.5 days a week at a job that’s fairly flexible, and knowing that it would be difficult to find another employer that offers the same level of flexibility puts me off from looking for new opportunities. I also wish I could work fewer hours and spend more time with my daughter, but we’re financially dependent on my paycheck. It’s hard to get the balance right. #FamilyFun
Buh bye thirties.. half way done. Dont even care.
Just want sleep and to lose five pounds. Those are my goals for age thirty-five to thirty nine,
#familyfun
I give up. The other day I spoke with my husband and said I was ok never having the career that I used to dream of. It’s taken seven years as a mom to finally get it. But its just not worth it,
I love this post! Well done. I have two children in my 20’s and work part time, but it is hard. I am not where I want to be career wise at all because I love being at home more and concentrating on being a mum! Sometimes I feel crap and that I should be getting my career sorted but then I’m hoping I can do that later on. Now I have two beautiful littles that I want to enjoy and take care of! I admire women who ‘do it all’ but I don’t know how they do it!! X
I don’t think it’s possible to have it all but that’s ok. I think there’s far too much pressure on women these days that makes them feel like they should want to have it all and if they don’t they’re somehow less driven or motivated. We all just need to do what is important and matters most to us personally and support each other in our choices x
#Bestandworst
I don’t believe anyone has it all. Why is it only women who appear to have to choose between the two? Family or work?
#familyfun
I think this makes lots of sense and is a healthy way to approach things. I don’t believe you can have it all not all at once anyway, perhaps doing it way is a way of having it all, just in stages? A really good post lovey thanks for sharing at #familyfun
Great post and so ironic you shared this as the post I shared today has a very similar theme (https://www.lifemotherhoodandeverything.com/wpblog/parenting/can-i-something-got-give/). I don’t think it’s possible to have it all and you break yourself trying. Or, when you are truly honest with yourself, you’re not enjoying it. I’ve come to the conclusion that careers are long, changing and fickle. But kids grow up quickly so best enjoy them whilst you can! #FamilyFun
I suppose it depends on the ‘all’ you want. I have never had, nor wanted, a career. I’ve had jobs and been good at them but they have never meant more to me than a way to pay the bills. I count myself lucky in that respect, because to me I do have it all. A nice easy part time job, which hopefully one day I can leave entirely, my family and a nice little house with lovely neighbours and a good local. #coolmumclub
Totally agree with you. I now have 3 part time jobs (plus blogging 😉 ) but have given up on the idea of the career I was training for. My family is the most important thing in my life and I don’t need any more to feel fulfilled. #ablogginggoodtime
I don’t think it’s possible to have it all, I’m back at work 4 days a week but struggling to do as much as I was able to before in a shorter time period, plus deal with the guilt of not being at home more, even though I need to work so we can pay all the bills! I think it’s about keeping your head above water and prioritising for the next year or so until we can breath a bit again and focus a bit more on career things! #coolmumclub
It’s taken me a while to accept this and be ok about it. But I am. I still work, but it’s part time and for financial reasons, plus it’s in the kids nursery so I’ve basically got the best of both worlds. But it’s a far cry from the world of business management that I was used to and thought I’d go straight back to. But I’m cool with this for now. #ablogginggoodtime
Love this post. I’m sorry to say I don’t believe it’s possible to have it all. I only have one child and know that with one so can’t imagine what it’s like with more. I think we have been rather stitched up with those words which have been bounded around far too much without any solid backup. Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely xoxo
It’s totally ok to not want to have it all. In fact, like you, I don’t think it’s possible. I never really had a career to begin with, and since having my 4 children over seven years during my thirties, and also moving countries 3 times, never once have I considered ‘going back’ to work. It’s only now that they’re a bit older, and I get a few hours to myself every day, that I’m trying to become a bone fide blogger, whatever that entails. But again I don’t want it to happen at the expense of my kids. To be honest I would love to reach a point where I earn some money from freelancing, etc., like you 😉
#FamilyFun
Yes i definitely dont want to have it all – After dealing with 2 under 3 I realised I had to lower my expectations from finding happiness in spa days, shopping and sunny holidays (pre children) to getting 10 minutes to myself under a shower, or only having to wipe once (post children) Im 38 and I have said the same as you, at the moment it’s all about my children and when i get into my 40’s I might try and bring myself into it again xx #coolmumclub
Oh this is just what I needed to read today. I’ve been a SAHM for 6 years, and we also have times when we’re living hand-to-mouth.
I had a job interview last week for my dream job so decided I’d cut my time at home short, but I found out yesterday I didn’t get the job. I was devastated. They said I didn’t have enough relevant experience (which I can only assume means RECENT relevant experience because I was more than qualified).
I felt like I’d never get back on the career ladder and had a good old cry most of yesterday! But your idea of writing off this time and being okay with it has really given me hope. I love being a SAHM – like totally and utterly love it – so why worry about how my career will pan out in 4 years time? Just do what you’re doing now and do it well. #ablogginggoodtime
What a wonderful post, I couldn’t agree more. I don’t think its possible to have it all, and I don’t think we should try to have it all. I didn’t go back to work after my maternity leave ended, and enjoy being at home, sure we have had to sacrifice things, financially it can be hard sometimes, but I wouldn’t change it, even on those day when I’m pulling my hair out and need wine! I think society tells us that we deserve to have everything, and somehow simply staying home as a Mum can seem somehow like you’re failing at life. #ablogginggoodtime
I had kind of had similar thoughts so the title of this post jumped out at me! In terms of sleep anyway I’m thinking in a couple of years when I’m 40 I SHOULD be having a bit more sleep than I do now! Fingers crossed! #familyfun
I agree with you. I think you can have it all, just not all at once (as I think Oprah once said). I came to parenting late (at 37) and had a great job on a regional paper which allowed me to travel and follow my passions. It was perfect for me and I actually loved going to work everyday. For a while, after I had my daughter, I thought I was done career wise and that was ok because I’d accomplished a lot but now I’m starting to think about what comes next and I realise that it won’t be the same (newsrooms aren’t really parent-friendly, are they?) but it’s not The End.
OK. Well I became a mum at 42 having adopted two kids, spent the decade before trying…now I am hurtling towards another decade, yup the big 50. We’ve moved to France, for my husband’s job I’ve given up my job having only just got my career back. I pretty much think career wise it’s over, but who’s to say what will be round the corner, But at the moment, I’m going to enjoy every damn sodding minute I have with the kids, no matter what!#coolmumsclub
I’m 30 now and I did everything backwards. I was pregnant at 21 in the middle of my training, got qualified and promoted to management at 23, then started a life with the man I should have been with all along and had another baby just before turning 28 and I left my job. I’m doing this now and hoping to get one more baby before I have to go back out to work and start at the bottom again. I’m hoping my 30’s aren’t a right-off. I’ll get back to you in 5 years!
Oh wow I didn’t realise you had done so much. Sounds like you have achieved loads whilst becoming a Mum too. I chose to give up work after having Jake because I wanted to be at home with him. I had only recently changed my career path but it wasn’t enough for me to be away from him. I then discovered blogging and wrote a book whilst being off and have ‘met’ all you lovely lot! Life takes us in different directions and sometimes accidentally stumbling into something can be the best thing for you. #familyfunlinky
I too have written off my thirties and completely agree with what you are saying. I hope to find a new job and then I can concentrate on my career in my 40s.
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Honestly I used to want it all but actually I am now happy with what ive got – its enough xx
Thanks for linking to #ablogginggoodtime
I haven’t written off my 30s but I certainly am ready to put my career to one side for a few years while I support and grow my family. I think it’s fantastic that you have done the same for yours.
#KCACOLS
I think having it all is only possible if you have money or a very good childcare support network. I spent years in an office job I disliked as they gave me brilliant hours & holiday. It was OK it fit around the kids, pay was ok and people nice. Was it my dream job 100% no. It’s all about balance & rightly or wrongly women still generally sacrifice their career for their kids. I’ve recently changed jobs. I now work in a school pay not great but I really like it & I can still be there for my kids. Not quite what I’d planned 10 years ago but we are all happy. #kcacols lifeinthemumslane
love your honesty and no, it isn’t just you re the tuck shop. I think a lot of us try to have it “all” but there have to be sacrifices along the way at some point. im 36 too and i feel lost at times in terms of do i have another or do i focus on the career and travel etc. i flip flop a lot between what i really want. #KCACOLS
It is so hard to get the balance right and i have mum guilty all the time!! I only.work 3 days a week in a job that i dont have to take home with me and it seems to be a good home work balance but i would still love to be there for my 3 more #Kcacols xx
Love this post. I haven’t written off my 30’s completely but I did give up work when I had my little girl. I haven’t returned yet, and we have been thinking about number 2 recently so I don’t see the point in going back if we are. I wasn’t exactly in a high flying position anyway, I worked in retail management. At the moment I am enjoying being a mum. #kcacols
Hey,
I wrote a similar post recently about how Women cannot have it all. There are just not enough hours in the day. I don’t think you have written off your 30s though, I think you have successfully identified your priorities and are arranging your life accordingly. You should congratulate yourself for that. Pen x #KCACOLS
Still love this post. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday x
Our priorities change when we have kids. Even if we go on maternity leave thinking you will come back to work, a baby will change how you feel about that. I think a lot of mum’s if finances allowed would love to be able to stay at/work from home.
#KCACOLS
You are doing it all and closer than most to having it all and being super mom! I can’t muster it all. I am the working mom and I am so jealous of my stay at home Mrs., who sees all firsts. drives to and fro to school, dance, parties, and fun. I guess I have grass is greener syndrome as I type, they are on their way home from a holiday I couldn’t go on due to work… Oh, how I miss them all! I am lucky, I am grateful, and I wish I could do it all. I do what I can and I try to be present. Lovely post really! #KCACOLS xoxo
The grass does often seem greener but I’m sure it’s not – I’m not sure I could hack being a 100% stay at home mum!