‘It was meant to be’ and ‘don’t worry, you can try again soon’.
Those are just some of the supposed words of comfort I received from well-meaning nurses when I suffered one miscarriage – and then another.
A new study by parenting website Channel Mum has found that three quarters of women who’ve suffered a miscarriage have been left even more upset by those who have tried to comfort them – with ill thought out phrases such as ‘it’s nature’s way’ and ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’.
Having been there, done it and got the t-shirt – not once but twice – I know only too well what it’s like to be on the receiving end of such comments.
It wasn’t until I was 20 weeks pregnant with Little B in June 2014 that I first spoke about my miscarriages here on the blog, and the fact is that even in 2017 when we know one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage the subject is still often considered the last taboo.
So to coincide with Baby Loss Awareness Week I’m sharing Channel Mum’s findings on the most comforting words you can say to a mum.
Founder of Channel Mum Siobhan Freegard says: “It’s worth remembering words are powerful so choose yours carefully. The wrong phrase, particularly one which belittles the loss or apportions blame – can be devastating. But a few well-chosen and thoughtful words can set a mum on the road to recovery.”
What to say to someone who’s miscarried
1. Even though it was early it was still your baby
2. It wasn’t your fault
3. Your baby will always be with you in your heart
4. It’s s**t. It will be s**t for a long time but at some point, it won’t be quite as s**t
5. I’m here if you want to talk about it
6. I’m sorry for your loss
7. Be kind to yourself
8. It’s OK to cry
9. It’s OK to be angry
10. It’s OK to be sad
Have you ever comforted a friend who’s miscarried? What did you say? Or if you’ve miscarried yourself were there any words that especially helped you?
For more information or support visit www.babyloss-awareness.org
Linking up with these fabulous blogs!
I’ve never really known what to say. For some reason, I came across more women who miscarried before I became pregnant myself and since I’ve given birth, not so many. Therefore, I know (though thank goodness, not truly know), that it must be heart-breaking to be in that position, to be raw I imagine. #TheList
Although I’m a lucky one, I have a few mum friends who went through a miscarriage. It’s always very hard to say something, because you feel you have to, but… what? What’s appropriate, not too much, but still caring to say? These are thoughtful and gentle. #thelinklinky
Heartbreaking but really sensitive post. I often struggle to find the right words to say to people who have been through this and too often I opt to say nothing at all because I worry I will upset them. But I think saying nothing can almost be worse. Thanks for these tips x #thelistlinky
A really positive post. I am lucky in that fate didn’t strike me in this way and I have never miscarried. I do believe this is down to fate. Your tips on what too say are spot on in my view, and are the right thing to say for a lot of difficult situations. Sometimes life is shit, it can be shit for a long time but it does eventually get better. Pen x #KCACOLS
such an important post. I think its hard for people to know what to say sometimes and we reach for those clichéd comments. I really like this list though and they all make so much more sense. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time.
I never know what to say to someone in that situation, but now I do! Cheers! KCACOLS
A very important topic to cover. I think letting mums know it wasn’t their fault is a must and it’s so easy to blame yourself and live with a lot of guilt over something you could not control #KCACOLS
I went through it six times and like you got the usual, ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ or ‘at least it happened early on’. People mean well but those words cut like a knife. I love all of your suggestions, not one person said any of those things to me but I really wish they had, especially 1 and 9. I bottled things up and pushed things down and although I seemed fine on the outside I was broken. It took years to finally let it all out and start the healing process when hearing the words above could have helped me a lot sooner x
#TheListLinky
I think a lot of people could learn a lot from this post. I hope that as the years go on, we all find it easier to talk about miscarriage and it stops being a taboo topic.
#KCACOLS
Great tips. It can be so hard to know what to say #KCACOLS
My aunt miscarried, but I was only 17 at the time and I had no idea what to say to her. Especially as they’d been trying so hard and she wanted kids so much. Now, 17 years later these are the things I wish I could say. #kcaocls
Great tips. I never know what to say – such a hard time for them! #KCACOLS