The chances are this post is going to make you laugh, make you cringe – and quite possibly both.
We all know there are many things they don’t tell you about parenting, like the funny things they don’t tell you about childbirth, the not-so-funny things they don’t tell you about the first week of breastfeeding and the quite frankly bizarre things they don’t tell you about your lady bits.
But one of the things they really don’t prepare you for is sex after babies, and quite how much things can change.
I’m a big fan of saying things how they are, so I asked some fellow mums to be brutally honest and frank about ways sex can change after having a baby and here’s what they said.
Things they don’t tell you about sex after having a baby
1. Looking at your lady bits the day after giving birth is a bad idea. “Whatever you do, don’t look at your fanny,” says Bella at Documenting The Drews. “I cried so much as I thought it was ruined! Luckily at two months post-partum it was pretty much back to normal, but I still remember the look of that mashed up lasagna I saw that day!”
2. Fanny farts. “I absolutely died when it first happened!” says Jenna at Then There Were Three. “I ended up laughing which caused it to happen again, and I’ve gone red just thinking about it!”
3. The slightest touch can make your boobs spray milk. Everywhere. “It literally shoots across the room,” says Beth at Twinderelmo. “It can make for some seriously messy ‘fun’!”
4. The train no longer pulls into the station. “The funniest thing I ever heard was from my friend after her first who said, with a look of pure horror, ‘the train used to pull into the station but now it’s like the channel tunnel down there!’” says Amy at All About A Mummy.
5. You might need lube. “Especially when breastfeeding, as it can affect how much vaginal fluid you produce,” says Zoe at Lycrawidow. “Just not the tingle lube. That stuff burns more than the first post birth pee!” There are all sorts of other products you can try to help in the bedroom too, like perfumes and sprays containing sex pheromones designed to enhance sexual attraction for both men and women.
6. Stitches can make you tighter. “And that’s not always a good thing!” says Nyomi at Nomipalony.
7. The noise of your belly. “The noise that a flappy deflated belly makes can be really off-putting when in the moment!” says Hollie at Thrifty Mum.
8. The mere thought of actually doing ‘it’ is absolutely terrifying. “God knows how people have kids so close together!” says Emma at The Cheshire Wife.
9. Your deepest fantasy is a weekend sleeping (alone). “I’ve got a four-month-old and this ‘shop’ is shut!” says Lisa at Bare Mother. “I open for VIP’s (very important penises) on those rare days I stop resenting my husband long enough to remember I actually do love him.”
10. The feeling that Big Brother is watching you. Or more specifically, little baby. “There will always be that uneasy feeling that someone’s watching,” says Veronica at My Parenting Journey. “You’re always on the lookout for when the baby cries.”
How about you? Can you relate to any of these? Don’t worry, you don’t have to say which ones!