Why are we so afraid to tell the truth about parenting?
I ask after David Bowie’s son Duncan Jones caused a social media storm by (half-jokingly) declaring parenting is ‘rarely fun’ and ‘life destabilising’.
He went on to brand parenting ‘exhausting’, ‘banal’ and ‘like looking after a dog you can’t house train’ in a series of tweets (to be fair, he does have a point).
Unsurprisingly the world and his wife promptly waded in, including me when I was asked for my reaction on Vanessa Feltz’s BBC Radio London breakfast show (if you want to know what I said you can listen here). All of which begs the question: why are we so afraid to tell the truth about parenting?
Why are we so afraid to tell the truth about parenting?
When I first started blogging in 2013 it was because I felt like I had something to say and nobody to say it to – by which I mean the truth.
Six years on I currently have 17 posts starting with the title ‘things they don’t tell you about…’ ranging from things they don’t tell you about childbirth to disgusting things they don’t tell you about being a parent to things they don’t tell you about sex after having a baby. They’re not all bad things, either – some of them are good things, like the fact it does get easier.
Because no-one does tell you. You’re left to find out on your own. I’ve had so many messages from mums – and dads – over the years thanking me for saying it how it is, and I always think if I can help just one person then it’s worth it.
Not long after I published a post on the truth about breastfeeding at one I had a message from quite a well-known Radio 1 DJ telling me I was the reason she didn’t give up breastfeeding, and she was still feeding her son.
My blog has also been a platform for other people to say it how it is, including new mum Katie Pike who revealed in a searingly honest guest post about her battle with post natal depression that she still didn’t love her daughter. In the six years I’ve been blogging that’s the post with the biggest number of hits, likes and shares.
So, I don’t see why saying it how it is is such a bad thing if it helps someone else. In the insta-perfect world we live in I think a bit of perspective is needed, and the fact is Duncan Jones is right: parenting is exhausting and banal a lot of the time.
What do you think? Have you heard about Duncan Jones’s Twitter rant? Do you agree with his comments, or do you think he should have kept his thoughts to himself? I’d love to hear your point of view!
Your blog has clearly been an inspiration to many. Saying the truth when it doesn’t hurt someone else and could actually help many can only be a good thing. #ABloggingGoodTime
I think the initial success such as it is of my blog came from telling the truth, I remember the first comment I ever had still and it effectively said a mum till reading my blog thought she was the only one that felt that way about parenting and womanhood struggles. In answer to the question posed, I did not tell the truth in the real offline world as I really feared my children would be taken away as I was so far below perfect in the mothering, cleaning, coping stakes. Obviously I had post-natal depression which did not help with that one bit. I think social media and blogging has changed over the years so whereas it was such a help and a reality check nowadays it is one perfect image after another. I don’t want my children to hate me for struggling but they know I do and in the end they may just think like I do about my mum that she was less than perfect, often frustrating, could be hurtful but in the end was wise, funny and the only mum I wanted to have #Ablogginggoodtime
I think that it is refreshing to start seeing people tell the truth. I remember when I found days really hard and lacking energy I felt I was failing. That I should have been cleaning, baking, making dinner. Loving new born babies and being a new mum. I felt alone that I felt a bit of a mess, lost and not knowing if I was doing OK. Reading honest blogs helped me realise that everything I was feeling was normal. So sharing the tough stuff and being honest about it is surely better than only talking about the great days!! #ABloggingGoodTime
I think we all have different experiences, some mums seem to actually have things easier, and then there is women who’s first borns are like mine, gorgeous, but stole my sleep and my sanity (although not sure I was ever sane). I think it is great that people can be honest about negative and positive experiences as that is the reality. I think as parents we need to have others to relate to, others who get what we are going through. It can be an incredibly isolating experience when you feel you are the only one struggling. Let’s keep being honest about the good and the bad! I also think some mums are not just afraid to tell the truth about the bad, but also about the good as people can call them fake. Thanks for linking up #ABloggingGoodTime
It’s the first I’ve hard of his comments (must have been living under a rock!). Let’s face it, the routine, the repetitiveness, it’s all banal BUT oh so rewarding too. Funny old thing, this parenting. #kcacols
I think nowadays, with a lot more parents being truthful about both the highs and lows of parenting it makes things easier to know you’re not alone, and blogs like yours must be so supportive to many people! #KCACOLS
I’ve not heard of his comment before.
But I adore reading your posts. They’re so honest and most are funny too! I love reading truths about parenting – the good and the bad! #KCACOLS
Like with most things, whether it be parenting, mental health, issues such as abortion and alcoholism, I think think that honesty is the best policy. I think its great that more people are speaking opening about things because it makes other trying to get through it feel less alone. #KCACOLS
Even if I didn’t run a family blog (that started out VERY much talking about parenting truths, the good and the oh so bad) and even if I wasn’t part of the blogosphere where I am very aware of ‘honest parenting blogs’, it still wouldn’t dawn on me to fly off the handle when somebody – oh very dare they – mentions a FACT: parenting is mainly hard. Lovely at times but actually quite a difficult job. Basically, we live in a society where you can’t actually say anything without people having an utter hissy fit (that’s my thoroughly mature appraisal of the situation!) Go you for being on the radio! I’ve done it once and blooming loved it. #ablogginggoodtime
I don’t have babies yet and I feel that blogs like yours are really important. The world needs more honesty. In this day and age where everyone is offended by anything I’m not surprised that there was a backlash to his tweets, but he isn’t saying he doesn’t love his child, he’s saying parenting is hard.
It’s amazing that your blog is inspiring so many people! #KCACOLS
Much Love Jenna
I think that a lot of people are afraid that they will come across as complaining and unappreciative. I’m proud of the fact that so many seem to think that I am a “great father” and will admit that sometimes I don’t want to say things that may take away from that perspective of me. Interesting read #kcacols
I haven’t seen the twitter comments, but I think people are scared to tell the truth because they are scared to be judged. I know I am. I struggle some days – some weeks in fact, but I try and keep up the facade that I have everything together so people don’t think bad of me! #KCACOLS
I didn’t see the twitter rant but that sounds hilarious. I think a lot of us do tell the truth, we just do it to our select circle. I am quick to shut up people when they get on someone’s case who is clearly just letting off steam. I also think with teens, people tend to tell the truth almost immediately – that whole pretense of the perfect baby is chucked away in desperation. I have had complete strangers tell me about their kid’s weed habit, not doing their homework or blocking them on FB. All pretty common and all said out of concern or frustration. I think there is a nice solidarity in teen parenting, way more than when they were little and people seem more competitive. (Who has time for that? I never did!) #KCACOLS
I think as a society we have been programmed to only talk about the good stuff. I would much rather hear the honest truth of a situation I was facing rather being told it was all sweetness and rainbows. Good on him for pointing out the truth, we need more of this.
#KCACOLS
Great read! I think a lot of times parents don’t want to come across as being regretful, like if you complain then we must regret having children. But this is a slippery slope. I think parents need to be reminded that not everyone is perfect and that they are not failures because it is hard for them.
Forgot! 🙂
#KCACOLS
Thankfully, I do think that you forget some of the most uncomfortable or embarrassing times as life goes on. When I was pregnant and asking my friends who’d had kids whether it was right that I was feeling certain ways, they all said that they had forgotten about those times! But I agree that lots of people don’t ever own up to feeling like that in case others judge them. #KCACOLS
I can’t say that I did come across the thread. But I do think that it’s a good thing that people are more open and honest about parenting. When I had lady I felt as if there was a unwritten rule that you had to have it all together, but we have to remember we are only human. Thank you so much for linking up with #kcacols we hope to see you next time!
I totally agree with you. I’ve often wondered why everyone only portrays the good, when it’s the bad and the ugly that we would benefit from reading/seeing. A more balanced view of parenting would help us to realise that not every day is Insta-perfect, and not everything on Facebook is 100% genuine. Being honest and open is the best way to be! #KCACOLS
I always wonder why parents can’t tell it like it is. I do, I’ve no problem with telling people that it’s hard and not always fun. I think it’s only fair to warn people! Lol #KCACOLS
When we started blogging we were determined to be totally honest about our experiences and for the most part I think we have been. It’s so important especially in relation to our mental health! #KCACOLS